I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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