1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I need to stop coming to work sober
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
