Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
