You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
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