i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
