I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
