I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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