I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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