I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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