I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize