help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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