Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize