I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
