Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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