So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
