Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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