I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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