toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
