He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
