He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize