I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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