I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
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