It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
