So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
