Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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