Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
