Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
