If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
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