I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
