Im at strip club and am horny
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
