and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Randomize
