Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
