better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
