I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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