So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Sext me about skeletons
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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