She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
