I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
