everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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