You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
