I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
