And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
