I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
how does that bad decision feel?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
