there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
