You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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