I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
