Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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