apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
