I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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