totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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