it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Randomize
