she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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