My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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