my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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