toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize