just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
