She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize