I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
