just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
