I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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