you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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