Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
