How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
