i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
