please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
